How to get your siblings to help with an aging parent

The short answer: stop asking for "help" and start handing out jobs. Write down everything your parent needs, meet before the next crisis, let each sibling pick specific tasks they own, put the plan where everyone can see it, and check in every month. Siblings who live far away can still own real work: bills, insurance, paperwork, phone calls, and giving you a few days off.

Why it almost always lands on one person

If you're doing most of it, you're not imagining it. The National Institute on Aging says one person usually takes on most of the everyday care, "a spouse or the child or sibling who lives closest."¹ About 63 million Americans are family caregivers now, and almost half of them care for a parent or parent-in-law.²

It also tends to be a daughter. 61% of family caregivers are women.² One Princeton analysis of national data found that daughters gave about twice as many hours of parent care as sons, and that sons did less when they had a sister.³ Those numbers are from older data, but the pattern will sound familiar.

Here's the part that matters most: your siblings may honestly not know how much you're carrying. In a study of 450 adult children, the siblings who weren't giving care often saw their relationships as fine, while the one giving care felt them as tense and stressful.⁴ That gap can be closed, but only once the work is visible.

It's worth closing for your own sake, too. A 2026 study of adult children caring for a parent with dementia found that those who felt they did more than their sibling had more symptoms of depression than those who felt the care was shared equally.⁵

Step 1: Write down everything your parent needs

Before you ask anyone for anything, make the full list. Most of the load is invisible because it lives in one person's head. Get it out:

• Medical: appointments, rides to them, prescriptions and refills, talking with doctors, insurance claims.
• Money: bills, bank accounts, Medicare and insurance paperwork, taxes.
• Home: groceries, meals, cleaning, repairs, yard work, safety changes.
• Paperwork: power of attorney, advance directive and the rest of the important documents. Our documents checklist for aging parents lists them.
• Company: visits, phone calls, outings.
• Your own relief: who covers so you can take a weekend, or a week, off.

Add a rough number of hours to each one. The average family caregiver gives 27 hours a week.² When your siblings see that number next to your name, the conversation changes.

Step 2: Hold a family meeting before the next emergency

The National Institute on Aging's advice is simple: have this conversation "when there is not an emergency."¹ A few things make it go better:⁶

• Send a short agenda first: what your parent needs now, what's likely coming next, and how to split the work.
• Include everyone, by video if they're far away, and include your parent if they're able.
• Talk about what you need, not what they should do. The Family Caregiver Alliance suggests "I need…" rather than "You should…".
• End with a written summary of who agreed to what.
• Put the next meeting on the calendar. Family meetings work best as a regular habit, not a one-time event. Monthly works for most families.

Step 3: Hand out jobs, not "help"

"Let me know if you need anything" almost never turns into anything. Specific jobs do. The NIA suggests coming with a list of what needs to be done and letting the other person choose.⁷

Match the jobs to each sibling's strengths and distance:¹

• Good with numbers: bills, accounts, insurance and taxes.
• Lives close: rides, visits, groceries.
• Lives far away: there's still plenty to own. Paying bills, handling insurance claims, keeping paperwork up to date, researching services and making regular check-in calls can all be done from anywhere. A distant sibling can also come stay for a few days so you get a real break.⁸
• Short on time but not on money: paying for a few hours of in-home help or respite care is a real contribution.⁹

Make each job fully theirs. "You handle Mom's pharmacy refills" is a job. "Can you help with her meds sometimes?" isn't.

Step 4: Put the plan where everyone can see it

Agreements fade when they live in a group text. The Family Caregiver Alliance recommends writing down what was agreed after each meeting,⁶ and the NIA points out that there are apps to "divide up caregiving duties, keep an appointment calendar, and share updates."¹ Whatever you use, everyone should be able to see what's done, what's still open, and who owns what. That visibility is what closes the gap from the start of this guide.

It's also why we built Bearing Life: one place for your parent's medicines, appointments, important papers and tasks that the whole family can see.

Step 5: When it still isn't working

• Bring in a neutral person. When a family is stuck, a social worker, minister, care manager or hospital discharge planner can run the meeting or point you to someone who can.⁶
• Hire a geriatric care manager. Usually a nurse or social worker who specializes in older adults, a care manager can help make a care plan and find local services. They're especially useful when family lives far away.¹⁰
• Try elder mediation for the big disagreements, like a move, driving, money, or who makes decisions.¹¹
• Get the legal documents in place. Without a power of attorney, siblings can end up in court arguing over decisions for a parent.¹¹ Start with our documents checklist.
• Protect yourself. Some siblings won't step up, no matter what. Respite care, adult day programs and your local Area Agency on Aging can cover part of the gap. Find yours through the Eldercare Locator at 1-800-677-1116.¹² And take our 2-minute caregiver burnout check-in to see how you're really doing.

Common questions

What if my sibling refuses to help at all?

Ask one more time for one small, specific job, in writing. If the answer is still no, stop spending your energy on the argument and put it into outside help: respite care, an adult day program, paid help, or your Area Agency on Aging. Some families ask a sibling who won't give time to give money toward paid help instead.

Can the sibling doing the caregiving be paid?

Some families pay the main caregiver from the parent's own money, ideally with a written agreement so everyone is clear about it. Many states also have Medicaid programs that can pay a family caregiver.¹³ The rules vary by state, so check with an elder law attorney or your Area Agency on Aging.

How do we split it fairly when we live in different states?

Split by the type of work, not by hours spent in person. The sibling nearby covers hands-on care. The siblings farther away own money, paperwork, insurance, research and scheduled breaks for the sibling nearby.⁸

Where do we start if we've never talked about this?

Start with the list from Step 1 and send it to your siblings before you meet. Seeing the whole picture in writing does more than any argument. The National Institute on Aging also offers a free worksheet for coordinating caregiving responsibilities.¹

Sources

1. National Institute on Aging, "Sharing Caregiving Responsibilities with Family Members". nia.nih.gov, reviewed October 12, 2023.
2. AARP and National Alliance for Caregiving, "Caregiving in the US 2025". aarp.org, July 24, 2025.
3. American Sociological Association, release on research by Angelina Grigoryeva (Princeton University), based on 2004 Health and Retirement Study data. asanet.org, August 2014.
4. Suitor, Gilligan, Johnson and Pillemer, "Caregiving, perceptions of maternal favoritism, and tension among siblings," The Gerontologist 54(4). pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov, 2014.
5. Gilligan, Skoblow, Lee and Ogle, "Sharing in Caring: Perceptions of (In)Equality and Mental Health Among Siblings Caring for a Parent With Dementia," Research on Aging. pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov, May 2026.
6. Family Caregiver Alliance, "Holding a Family Meeting". caregiver.org.
7. National Institute on Aging, "Taking Care of Yourself: Tips for Caregivers". nia.nih.gov, reviewed October 12, 2023.
8. National Institute on Aging, "What Is Long-Distance Caregiving?". nia.nih.gov, reviewed October 12, 2023.
9. National Institute on Aging, "What Is Respite Care?". nia.nih.gov, reviewed October 12, 2023.
10. National Institute on Aging, "Services for Older Adults Living at Home". nia.nih.gov, reviewed October 12, 2023.
11. American Bar Association Senior Lawyers Division, "Elder Care Planning Mediation" (member article). americanbar.org, January 2023.
12. Administration for Community Living, Eldercare Locator. eldercare.acl.gov.
13. National Institute on Aging, "Frequently Asked Questions About Caregiving". nia.nih.gov, December 7, 2023.